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Undying Love (a poem)

Undying Love

The cold night air blows across her pale skin.
The blood of innocents on her lips.
I taste and am immortal.

The plush coffin contrasts against her raven hair.
The unending darkness in her eyes,
Stare into mine own.

I cherish the way that she stalks,
The delicate cold hands caressing her prey.
She is the blackest of roses.

Together we are the aristocracy of the night.
No mortal will ever destroy our love,
It shall last for all eternity.

Author: Iain Peter Morrison
Copyright: Iain Peter Morrison

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2 thoughts on “Undying Love (a poem)

  1. poetry_geek on said:

    Hi,

    stumbled over your blog and I must say : I like that poem! Especially the first stanza and “aristocracy of the night”, real gems 🙂

    But from one poet to another, can I make some (outrageous ;)) suggestions regarding the last stanza? (sorry, have recently been editing my own stuff and last stanzas especially, so I kind of have it out for them 😀 ):

    1. Consider dropping the last verse. In my opinion “Undying love” kind of says “It shall last for all eternity” already, and I don’t know, the phrase is a bit too “common” and used too often (for my taste at least 😉 )
    2. If you leave out the last verse, you could even exchange verse one and two of the last stanza and end with “Together we are the aristocracy of the night” and voila you have an intriguing, (almost “bad ass” :D) ending.

    Oh, I realize now I put more thought in it than I probably should have… 😀
    Sticking my nose in writing that isn’t mine, apologies…

    These are just some suggestions on my part, you are also very welcome to ignore them, after all it is your writing and you’re in charge there 😉 If you leave the poem like it is it already good 😉
    Would love to read more poetry ( I promise I will hold my tongue then :D)!

    (Sorry too for any grammatical weirdness, I am a non-native speaker)

    May the Inspiration be with you! 😉

    • Thank you for your honesty and input. It is an older poem I wrote back when I was 18 (32 now), so it will likely stay as it is. However, it is my desire to write professionally, and I always encourage constructive criticism. Take care! (BTW, your English is excellent!)

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